Monday, February 23, 2009

Christmas Letter

Happy Holidays from Cobra Kai!

Sensei John Kreese wishes Cobra Kai students Happy Holidays while reinforcing the dojo's core value of "No Mercy."

To: All Students

From: John Kreese, Executive Director and Sensei, Cobra Kai

Re: Happy Holidays!

Well, it's that time of year again, and on behalf of all Cobra Kai teachers, employees and our owner Terry Silver, I would like to wish you and your families the very best this holiday season. It's been a great year, and I'm thankful that our dojo is blessed with such talented and motivated students. You all truly "rule."

I'd also like to take this opportunity to reinforce some of Cobra Kai's core values. Every holiday season, we are inundated with messages of peace, charity and mercy. At times, these messages can be hard to resist. But resist we must, for at Cobra Kai we do not train to be merciful. Mercy is for the weak. This is illustrated in the three points of the Cobra Kai "Way of the Fist":

  • Strike First
  • Strike Hard
  • No Mercy

These values are what make Cobra Kai great, and should guide you as you celebrate this holiday season. Remember what I told that greasy old Japanese janitor back in '84: "This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don't come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now get your boy on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem." Words to live by — if ANYBODY drops a challenge on you as you gather with your families, I recommend that you put them OUT OF COMMISSION. I've found that this is best done by sweeping the leg.

Speaking of dropping challenges, Cobra Kai humbly asks that you drop your unwanted canned goods and unwrapped toys in the large blue box by the front door as you enter the dojo. These items will be given to less fortunate families for Christmas, then taken away and thrown in the garbage. Please do your part.

Now, moving on to less pleasant business. It has long been the policy of Cobra Kai that fear, pain and defeat do not exist in this dojo. I would like to extend this policy in the new year to include foot odor. Really, guys — it's getting ridiculous. Even my car keys smell like feet. The best way to dispel the bacteria that causes foot odor is by washing frequently, wearing socks made of natural fibers, and buying vented shoes, such as sandals. SHOW NO MERCY TO FOOT ODOR!

Has anybody seen my green headband? I put it down by the trophy case and now it's gone.

Finally, some sad news. Many of you may know Johnny Lawrence, my former pupil whose shameful loss twenty years ago at the All Valley Karate Championship caused Cobra Kai to shut down for a while. Well, although I have refused to speak to the boy since, I do from time to time check in with his mother, who is really a sweet lady and an awfully good fighter. Unfortunately, it seems that Johnny passed away this last October, and by "passed away" I mean hung himself with his Karate belt in his mother's basement where he pathetically continued to live. Cobra Kai asks that you pray for Johnny's family in this time of crisis, although I must remind you that this is the sort of outcome you can all expect if you are WEAK like Johnny. Life will show YOU no mercy if you cry and carry on and act like little girls. So start acting like men or you'll all die alone, ugly and unloved, probably by your own faggy hands.

Happy Holidays!


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Craiglisting, Ninja Biking

This was an actual listing on Craig's List. (Don't ask why I was on Craig's List.) I'm pretty sure this is John Kreese trying to raise money to keep the Dojo open. (Check out the Christmas letter). Anyways enjoy.

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are.

Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)

Monday, February 16, 2009

The only thing that feels worst that this guys face is my legs.

Code Blue, my legs are flat lining
I ran 1.8 miles Sunday and another 1.8 Monday with the Wings Army. Both efforts ever VERY hard. The increase in distance was very hard on my legs. My shins wanted to explode. The next day was a scheduled off day and my legs were not sore but I felt very achy and flat. As a result I took another day off for recovery to no avail. Lance Armstrong talked about the pain of a hard effort as as a sweet, easy type of pain, but when not prepared for the effort the pain would be an ugly rusty type of pain. Call me the Tin Man in the rain.

My motivation has also suffered. The efforts took their toll both physically and mentally. I forced myself out today and took an easy run. Ran a mile, walked .2, then ran the last .8. Still not feeling great. I am going to pull back the training distance a little bit focusing on form more than distance.

The mistake I made was the two very hard efforts back to back. With minimal recovery time, I over trained and the stress effected my progress and mood AND I am afraid I am off schedule for my March race plan. Currently I am running 4 days a week with another day of cycling or weight training. I plan to continue this schedule, but I will have to more closely monitor my efforts and mix in easy days after hard days. Using a more active recovery (spinning, walking) should also improve progress. With my low moral, running has become boring. I need to mix in more cycling to spice things up.

I think the tone of this post illustrates my low moral and focus.
Finally the stats:

Weight: 200.6

Training Runs
Sunday 1st .9 mile 8:58
2nd .9 mile 10:14
Total 19:13
Monday 1st .9 mile 8:40
2nd .9 mile 9:25
Total 18:06
Thursday 1st mile 9:59
walk/run total 2 miles 23:02.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The only guy I want to beat is the guy I was last week.

'Il faut d'abord durer'

- Ernest Hemingway (Trans: 'First, one must endure')

Well after completing my 1st 5k, I am searching for my next endurance competition. Social and family obligations have take care of February so I am targeting mid March for another 5k and the Azalea Trail race (10k) on March 28.
I have two goals for the 5k; one to tune up for the AT and two finishing time of a sub-35 shaving 5 minutes off my previous time. With a month of training I think this is very doable especially if I run the entire race (I walked portions of the Jag Run after promising to keep pace with Brad).
Speaking of training, I have increased my running volume as of late mostly because of time constraints. It is easier to work in a 20 minute run than an hour on the bike. 1.9 miles in 17:51 is my PR for time and distance. Cardiovascular I'm there, the issue is my body taking the pounding. I have worked all the way from .25, now I just have to continue to push. If I can complete the 5k without walking then I feel confident I can run/walk the AT in 1:30. I would be happy with that.
Just in case that is not ambitious enough I'm thinking of participating in a sprint triathlon in May. 1/3 mile swim, 16 mile bike, 3.1 mile run. Does not sound scary just need to train in the water and it might be fun.

Weight Update
199.2 I've struggled maintaining the weight lost from January. Diet is not as strict, but activity is still high. I have to be more disciplined.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Went up the Mountain a boy, came down a runner

More accurately, I left home to run a one mile fun run, I came home after completing a 5k.
Allow me to explain.
I had signed up with five other staff members (Team Wings) to run a one mile fun run. We all decided a miler was a good starting point because none of us were particular fit. I have run distances up to 1.5 miles so I felt very comfortable with a miler.
So the day of the race (1/31/09) its about 40 degrees that morning. I worked the night before so I only racked about 4 hours of sleep but that didn't matter because I was excited about the race. I met Brad and we headed out to registration. We pin our numbers (205) very cool and meet up with the rest of Team Wings.
Here's where the confusion starts, the announcement for the start of the race is made but we are unsure if the call is for the 5k or miler. Being uncertain we followed the group thinking there were people who looked in worst shape than us. We moved to the back of the group figuring it would be better to pass than be passed and waited for the start. At the gun we started very slowly, working our way through the group. The first half mile was spent jockeying for position darting side to side trying to find pace.
After we turned away from the start I figured we must had started the 5k! I didn't tell anyone right away because I was afraid they would all mutiny and turn around. We lost Erica after about half a mile and finished the first mile in 11:03. Brad keep us entertained with his "water to the face" hydration method which was made only more impressive because it was 40 degrees. We dropped Steph at the mile mark. Three of us continued and after another half mile Brad needed a break and I agreed to slow up with him. Morgan continued on and had the best finish time of the team. Brad and I walked and ran the rest of the way. I am the more fit so the effort was not too hard. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't about to run the entire 5k but I do think I could have finished better. In the end we finished in 39:56. 195 finisher out of 238 starters and posting 12:51 miles.
I had not planned to run a 5k but the feeling of accomplishment was GREAT. I doubled back to cheer on the other team members and I think everyone shared my feeling of accomplishment. Back at work we shared our stories and other staff members are already wanting to sign up for the next event.
I am targeting the end of febuary for my next 5k. With continued training I should be able to shave 5 minutes off my time. Sub 35 is my goal.
Completing a 5k was one of my New Year Resolutions. Mark that one complete! On to the next challenge.
Today's Stats
Weight: 199.2 ( I have lost 9.8 pounds in the month of January by limiting my daily caloric intake to 2200 calories and monitoring intake daily)
Body Fat: 29.8% (Continues to improve)
Water %: 48 (Continues to increase as weight decreases)